Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Never


Dad 1926-2013


A bit off the regularly scheduled word I had for today, which was Noun. To preface this, my sister and I lost our father on the 12th of February this year. I’m still, as is she, dealing with all that means. Yesterday while working on a project involving my father’s affairs, I had one of those moments I’ve come to understand aren’t going to go away any time soon, if ever, of looking into the abyss his passing has left in my heart, my life, my soul. And so today my word is NEVER.
My sister, my Dad and me late 1990's
Losing a parent is not like I thought it might be. I don’t really know what I thought it would be like, but not this guerrilla sneak-attack-type warfare with my memory and emotions. For awhile I didn’t listen to any music because I never knew what would set off my crying jags. I think the main thing that causes tears is the thought/word/concept of Never. I will never see him again. I will never touch… well, I’m sure you get the picture.
I won’t go on about this. Just wanted to say that I hadn’t really grasped the concept of “Never” and what it actually means, for some reason. It is a hurtful word and one I’m not fond of at the moment. It has a depth and longevity I had not given credence to before. “Never” is longer than I ever want to think about.
"Pat" Buie in Korea, 1950's
Until it comes to this side of that same hopeless word, the side that meets “Always.” I will NEVER forget him, NEVER forget what he was/is in my life. He is and always will be my father, and I’m okay with knowing that fact will NEVER change.  Sometimes I find peace there, and then the next guerrilla style sneak-attack hits and I miss him all over again.
Archie in the 1970's

11 comments:

  1. So sorry to hear of your loss, Lisa.

    My wife recently lost her mother (two days after Christmas) and she told me today that she sometimes forgets she's gone...as if it's not real.

    It has to be one of the toughest things we have to endure in life, the passing of a loved one, and I hope you find comfort in his memory.

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    1. Thanks so much Mark. I can so relate to the non reality feel to this experience. I'm so sorry for you wife's loss. I can't imagine not having my mother, especially right now.

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  2. Hi Lisa, I found myself having to skim your post today as it was so moving I didn't want to upset myself. I lost my mum last November and I can relate to everything you've said in this post. I don't have any advice to give you but I do think that being able to write about how you are feeling should be a comfort to you. Just getting that emotion to the surface and understanding how you are feeling will hopefully help the next few months and years be that little bit easier.

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    1. Rachael, I am so sorry for your loss. It's bad enough with my father gone, I can't imagine my mother not being here either. You are so young, as well to have lost your mum. I have an "adopted" daughter because a friend of mine passed three years ago and her daughter, who is now 23, accepted me and my family as a part of her own. I knew her mother very well and I think it helped her to know that. Thank you for your kind and brave words. I know I'm not the first or last to lose a parent. It helps to know others can sympathize with what I'm feeling.

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  3. I lost my grandmother at the same time you lost your father. I spent some time with my mom and you're right, you never know how you'll react. She said her friends thought it was strange she wanted to do normal things like go out and exercise or shop, but at the same time, we also shared a lot of memories that came up spontaneously. Just because someone isn't sitting at home weeping for days, doesn't mean they aren't reminiscing and coming to terms with their loss.

    I'm sorry for your loss.

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  4. Thanks so much. I appreciate you taking the time to leave a comment, especially about something like this. I'm so glad you had that time with your mom, because it probably meant A LOT to her to have you there.

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  5. Greetings Lisa,

    Your sister and your good self are going through a profound time that, as you know, experiences emotional swings.

    I believe, through the therapy that is writing, the sharing of your feelings, it cleanses and gives you a modicum of comfort.

    I know you will savour and reflect upon those moments you shared with your beloved father. Yes, you will never forget. Always loved, never forgotten. My heartfelt condolences to you and your sister.

    In peace and goodwill,

    Gary

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    1. I thank you for your words, Gary, and your thoughts. I "know" this will change with time, and I think that's one reason I want to write about it. I don't want to forget how intense these feelings are, or have them go away too quickly and not honor my father and the memories I have of him...

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  6. I'm so sorry that you lost your dad. I hope things get a little easier for you with time. The trick is learning to welcome the "sneak attacks," and cherish the wonderful memories that you have.

    Julie

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    1. I hadn't really thought of it that way, but I think you're right Julie. I've got to learn to welcome them and let them have their way with me until it's time to let them go. Thanks...

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  7. Hi Lisa .. I'm sorry I hadn't picked this post up sooner - the way of the A - Z.

    I like Julie's idea - that makes sense ... and you seem to see it that way.

    Having now lost both my parents, my father years ago and last year my mother ... we experience things in different ways - but they are still our parents.

    I'm not sure why I wasn't devastated at my mother's passing ... perhaps because she had been bed-ridden for over 5 years - yet we talked and she was 'content'. Perhaps because of her situation I could 'see' an end at some stage - it was a surprise and I could have done with a few days longer or an appreciation that this illness would be it ... in the end I had 36 hours ... and none of us thought she would go - even the nurses and carers ...

    It's been 9 months now and I just had the services to organise ... and generally come to terms that her death had happened. I think I'm lucky with my reactions .. perhaps my practicality of seeing others from the Nursing Centre lose their loved ones, made this passing somewhat easier.

    I have, as we all do, lots of memories .. and that is life - the way it's meant to be ... thankfully your father and my mother had long lives with us around them.

    Many, many thoughts - Hilary

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