Thursday, May 30, 2013

Fearing The Light

The lake is empty of water, like my heart is empty of emotion. My mind is not empty of fear. On the contrary it is full of it. What am I afraid of? Is it true what Marianne Williamson says, that
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us?” I don’t know what I believe because what do I have to be afraid of? What happens if I do sell many books and make my living that way? Is that a bad thing? I’m always saying I’d love to win the lotto and find out what kind of problems that might bring with it, thinking all the while that I’d be able to handle THOSE kinds of problems.
But what if that isn’t true? What if making my living from my words, what if selling enough to actually make money also brings problems I can’t foresee, and I’m not willing to find out what those problems are like I would be winning the lottery? Why would that be?
“It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us…”
Why wouldn’t I want to be successful, to shine, to show the world my “light?”
I don’t know.
 So I will go and work in my garden where I am not afraid of my power, my ability to sustain a beautiful garden. Plants don’t threaten me. Plants don’t judge me. Plants are the ultimate in “Unconditional Love” especially when given enough of that love and care. I’m not afraid of my being able to raise and love my children, to raise and love my little adorable dog.
Why would I be afraid of my own light with my words? Am I willing to pay the price for success? How do I know when I don’t know what that price is? Do I fear judgment so much that it stops me? Do I feel stopped? No. I don’t. Not yet anyway.
Why is this so hard? I look out at the would-be lake and groan. I saw a white egret out among all the vegetation this morning and remarked it was the first one I’ve seen in a very long time here. When there was water we had many, many egrets of all sizes and colors. Saw at least one every day. They left with the water. Now one has come back. Does that mean the water is coming back also? I hope so. Maybe if enough water returns to swallow all the choking weeds, I will be able to see reflected in the water’s surface, the Light of the universe and remember how small my paltry fears really are.  Maybe I’ll go beyond my fear of the light within me and embrace my place in the world “out there.”

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  1. Don't be afraid of that power....use it...harness it....bring green-ness into the world.

    Best of luck with it :)

    1. I know, right? I'll do my best!!!

  2. I know what you mean, making a living off writing can change a lot of things.

    I sort of fear that too, although it's a silly fear for me at the moment, because it's sort of out of my hands now.

    The readers will decide, I suppose.

    1. Which is a good thing! Out of your hands means you have no control and so don't have to worry! Thanks for commenting!


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