A bit off the regularly scheduled word I had for today, which was Noun. To preface this, my sister and I lost our father on the 12th of February this year. I’m still, as is she, dealing with all that means. Yesterday while working on a project involving my father’s affairs, I had one of those moments I’ve come to understand aren’t going to go away any time soon, if ever, of looking into the abyss his passing has left in my heart, my life, my soul. And so today my word is NEVER.
|My sister, my Dad and me late 1990's|
Losing a parent is not like I thought it might be. I don’t really know what I thought it would be like, but not this guerrilla sneak-attack-type warfare with my memory and emotions. For awhile I didn’t listen to any music because I never knew what would set off my crying jags. I think the main thing that causes tears is the thought/word/concept of Never. I will never see him again. I will never touch… well, I’m sure you get the picture.
I won’t go on about this. Just wanted to say that I hadn’t really grasped the concept of “Never” and what it actually means, for some reason. It is a hurtful word and one I’m not fond of at the moment. It has a depth and longevity I had not given credence to before. “Never” is longer than I ever want to think about.
|"Pat" Buie in Korea, 1950's|
Until it comes to this side of that same hopeless word, the side that meets “Always.” I will NEVER forget him, NEVER forget what he was/is in my life. He is and always will be my father, and I’m okay with knowing that fact will NEVER change. Sometimes I find peace there, and then the next guerrilla style sneak-attack hits and I miss him all over again.
|Archie in the 1970's|