Waking at 4:20 am, I find myself thinking, no almost obsessing on a multitude of things I am not doing instead of thinking of the things I have done or am doing. Maybe it's an age thing, feeling as if I'm running out of time. Time. Is it friend or foe? I'm not sure how to make it feel as if it's on my side. My father used to do this, worry and dwell on all the negatives instead of the fact he was alive, well and had a lot to be thankful for.
Is it the time of year? The holidays, the beginning of a "new" year? I'm not thinking of what I want to do in the new year. I'm thinking mostly of the people I didn't send Christmas cards to (everyone), the calendars I didn't make as gifts for the coming year. I'm dwelling on the things I want to make, the knitting and crocheting and mending I have to do, the book I'm not finished writing, all the books I didn't read in this last year. All the things I haven't done, yet.
What have I done with my time? I worked full-time all summer and this school year taking care of other people's beautiful children. I worked in my garden/yard a lot. I took care of my son (as I have for the last two years), who is doing so much better now. I am still (two months in) taking care of my husband who has a new knee that will be healing for quite some time. I realize this year has been one of taking care of others, which has narrowed my focus to this place. I have friends/family farther away than ever because of the pandemic, as we all do, and I feel I've let them down for not staying in better contact. See how that works? Chastising myself because of the things I didn't do while playing solitaire games on my phone, or hiding in TV programs and movies, thinking I was giving myself "a break", practicing self care. Somehow I don't feel rested, my body aches, and my emotions are at a loss.
I love the people in my life near and far. They make life worth being here for. I don't want to lose them, or have them feel in any way that they aren't important to me. My sense of failure makes me cry. My love is keening for the chance to express it. My soul is lamenting the balm of reaching out to those who mean so much to me. And yet I also want to curl up into a ball and have time move on to a new and better place. I want the whole world to (still) stay away for awhile. Is this wrong? Am I just whining?This inner battle I don't really understand. I guess this reflection needs more time for me to figure out what it means. Time. Again. Friend or foe? Or neither?
My children, and me with my husband, lights of my life that remind me of what's important...
|Emma, Adel & our son Robin|
|Adel, our grandson|
|Our son Tristan & our pup Boney|
|My wonderful husband and me|
|Our daughter Marjorie & her fiancé Jon|